I am 33 weeks...so close I can just feel the softness of his skin and smell the sweetness of his breath.
I have learned a lot during this fourth and sadly final pregnancy of mine...the biggest thing is the gratitude I will take away from the gift it is to be able to be blessed with carrying your baby for 9 months ..it's not that I didnt realize or have been grateful in the past..it's just that with this FOURTH go at it I have realized how hard it is for my body to do this...and to survive this..and most importantly to keep the lil blueberries inside me long enough to where they are born nice and healthy and super chubby! I remember every day with all my babies...I remember the anticipation of welcoming my first baby when pregnant with Johnny...all 19 years of me would countdown to the very second I would lock eyes with my baby boy. I also remember the excitement of feeling and getting to know the bond of a mother and her daughter with Isabella...I was 23 then and tired for what seemed the ENTIRE 9 months...I guess even in the womb her spunky lil energetic body and soul sucked out every ounce in mine! Then my sweet and vibrant Mateo...his was a very different pregnancy...although still very tired and sick...he was the only baby I carried while I still worked...but I also had an amazing support system in my amazing Jamas and the BIG KIDS...so it made it seem as it were my easiest. But now comes the fourth and final...My Cruz...my blessing...My OMG I CANT BELIEVE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A FOURTH BABY....this has been hands down the most challenging and hard pregnancy for me...sure I can chalk it up to my ubber busy life being mommy to a busy teenager, ballerina, and very busy 18 month old...but I expected all of that. The challenges came in the physical strain this last blueberry has caused my body. In these past 9 months I have been sent to a neurologist to rule out possible GOD ONLY KNOWS going on in my brain...a cardiologist to find the cause of palpatations and make sure my aourtic valves are strong enough to handle major surgery..so I needed EKG's and a sonogram of my heart (this was scary)...I was in a car accident...I slipped in the rain and fell on my booty...I had several visits to the dentist with CRAZY INTENSE pain due to a sweet lil root canal that decided to rear its ugly head right at the end of my pregnany...and DRUMROLL please...this sometimes not so bright mama fell off a ladder at 6 months pregnant which led me to be rushed to the ER. So why all the uplifting updates...well...because this did change me not only as a mommy but as a woman...it made me so grateful for the blessings I have been given...and it has made me a lot more grateful for life...and most importantly it has forced me to SLOW DOWN...slow down and not let life rush past me. I have had some very emotion filled couple of weeks...and mostly it's because I let my Latina Dramatic Head get the best of me..I started picturing myself not surviving surgery and leaving 4 kids behind without their mama..I found myself having hysterical crying fits with both Jamas and John making them both promise me that they would become the best of friends and raise the kids together as much as possible...I found myself driving to all my crazy medical appointments crying my eyes out thinking of how happy the kids make me...and how I needed to be alive to watch Johnny in all his ROCK GOD glory..and to be in the audience watching Bella and brushing her hair...because only I know how to brush it the perfect way...and Mateo...who would pack his perfect lil lunches on his first day of school????? And don't even get me started on my missed bonding with Cruz.
BUT....I allowed my CRAZY LATINA TO COME OUT FOR ONLY ABOUT 1 WEEK...crying off and on.
Now I am ready...willing and GOSH DARN ABLE to be mama to these four lil Blueberries of mine.
And with alllll that said...throughout all of this medical drama of mine...Our Lil Cruz is Thank God....One million percent healthy...infact that is probably how I survived this whole ordeal..I kept telling myself better me them him...I will handle any and all pain..as long as he is fine. So this August 27th we are scheduled for our c section..where I plan on locking eyes with my youngest boy 14 years after I happily did with my oldest boy.
Grateful and Full of Love